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“Take heed of unhealthy signs”- 7 February 2016

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Thursday, 24 March 2016 17:48

Anonymous.

Q. I kindly request you to suggest me some or at least one good detailed book on child psychology. Anything which can help me become a better and contended parent would be of great help.
Ans. The best thing to understand is your understanding of child psychology. People work on different concepts some which are conscious and some unconscious understanding that they have received and experienced with their own life. Not to confuse you further, a good book to read is Maria Montessori’s book on child psychology. She elaborates on many aspects of the child’s mind and growth. You will enjoy reading it too. Her theories are followed in the pre-primary levels in schools. We have many theories and theorists but you may find them too technical. Many books have been written on parenting, some which follow the theory of emotional intelligence. Try searching in book stores for books written by psychologists. Of course there is common sense too which our parents followed through with age old practises. But it’s god to be enlightened.

V. N

Q. My friend is facing a peculiar problem. She liked a boy and he proposed to her for marriage. She kept saying that she will answer later but he would not listen seriously. He went on after her and one day she said yes and the engagement was done. Now she is badly in doubt and keeps feeling nervous and irritated. She does not know what to do. Her mother has bad health and that makes her worried too. I tell her to decide and make her mind sure but she is not doing that. What should I do and how should I help her.

Ans.  You could help her by knowing her fears and anxieties about the boy and his family. She has reservations in her mind about the marriage alliance but she seems to have submitted to his persistent demands. This happens when girls are submissive and do not assert with a clear mind that this will not work. Now she is getting jittery as she is officially engaged and might be seeing him and his behaviour more closely. Also the day of marriage must be coming closer. We could help her with counselling and know more details which she may be afraid to tell you. As she is now engaged she will have to face the wrath of not only her parents but the entire community. Also expenses must have been made for the engagement ceremony. She is under severe dilemma and hence stress as she finds herself trapped. We can certainly help her take a decision and also break the news to her parents.

A.B

Q. My son is in 8th Std and has been going down in his concentration. He does not talk to us properly and often locks his door and sits for hours in his room. He is sometimes not going to school too and says he will do well and go to school. We are getting worried with his behaviour and his studies too. He shouts at me if I tell him to study and to be serious. His father tried talking to him but he did not behave nicely with him too. What is wrong with him? Does he need counselling or some sort of treatment?

 

Ans. Yes, he will need counselling and therapy. The signs are not healthy and suggest many possibilities. We can only make a guess as what could be going wrong. He may be having difficulties in his subjects which he may not be acknowledging. Or he may be influenced by bad elements and may have gone into some sort of bad habits. Locking himself in his room he may be passing his time with movies, internet or computer games or may be spending much time on social network. You will have to find out about what he does behind closed doors. Try dismantling the lock of the door by calling a carpenter when he is in school. Another possibility is that he could be getting into a depressive state of mind which comes in very silently and many children are caught unaware of what is going wrong with their mind. Another cause could be a bad experience at school like teasing or bullying or some sort of assault by another group of boys. Talk to the school class teacher and the principal and bring him for counselling as soon as possible.

17 January 2016.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Thursday, 24 March 2016 17:45

ID

Q. I am a BE graduate 23 years. I am in a relationship since last five years and everything was working quite well. But now my boyfriend has some family issues so he says that he can’t marry me just because his parents won’t allow an inter-caste marriage. He is sure about it because his elder brother is facing the same situation. Now he wants me to move on and he started behaving like a friend with me. We also had physical relations. It’s being very difficult for me to get over it. I can’t move on. But he is quite strong and has moved on and stopped loving me. What should I do? Besides I am also preparing for my competitive exams and I am unable to concentrate.

Ans. This is very unfortunate for you but this has also become common. Girls and boys get committed to each other in teens and then when they realise the reality of the situation they run away. That is what your boyfriend has done. He ran away after five years of commitment. If he has moved on without much difficulty then he is not ‘strong’ as you mention but it seems that he had prepared himself to move on considering his family attitudes. But he did not familiarise you with his condition. Now he wants to be friends with you which is dubious. He may be using you for himself. For you it will be best to cut off totally and leave him alone to his destiny. If he can’t take responsibility after years of a full relationship he is fooling you. Focus on your career and show him that you can compete and stand up for yourself. A session of counselling will certainly help you overcome your grief faster. I wish you all the best.

A.B

Q. I am in 12th science and I need your help. Actually I want to make my career in photography. But my dad is not allowing me for that, so how I convey him. And can you please suggest me some photography colleges and courses after 12th.
Ans. There are courses in photography in colleges that have courses in design such as National Institute for Design, Ahmadabad; Chennai; Pune etc. You can enrol in a degree course of your choice and take short term courses /classes in photography. You can make a good career in photography though in the long run.

Anonymous.

Q. There's a girl in my class whom I admire due to her influencing personality as a topper but nowadays I am thinking about her more often, I don't want to entertain these thoughts and want to shut up my mind but I fail. I am really helpless as I am constantly struck by these thoughts and want to get rid of this as I am very serious towards my goals and my studies. Ma'am please guide me by telling whether love is a devastating concept and how should I help myself to figure it out.

Ans. Thoughts can become obsessive and you are right about them interfering in your studies and goals. There are ways of obsessive thoughts and we can help you with simple techniques to control thoughts. A few sessions of counselling will be helpful. Meanwhile you can try ignoring them or controlling them with other thoughts. Whenever her thought comes you can stop it immediately and get involved in some other thought or activity. Getting into action is a good alternative too. Another way is to give your thoughts full attention for a specific period of time, say, for fifteen minutes, and then stop it totally for the entire day.

N.P

Q. I am learning in 11th class and I am very bright student of my class. But now days in family is going on domestic quarrel on some issue. That's why my mind distract and I can’t concentrate on study. So please suggest me how to concentrate on study.

 

Ans. This is truly an emotionally upsetting situation for you. Domestic quarrels can upset the entire atmosphere of the home and unsettle the family members. It is a bad time for you actually. Share this concern with your parents and request them for a solution. You could join a library to study and then come home to sleep. If you are getting involved in the quarrels then you are making a mistake. Do not listen to the details from adult members or other children and do not take sides as to who is right or wrong in the quarrels. Adults can fight over any and every thing and are also likely to drag children into the arguments but you should keep out of it and not listen to anything that is going on. It is not necessary that one party may be right over the other party. People fight for various unnecessary reasons too. Stay away and stay focused. That is your role and duty.

“Empower yourself with positive goals”- 31 January 2016.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Thursday, 04 February 2016 19:28

Anonymous.

Q. I am a B.A.M.S. graduate and I am going to start my practice soon. I am a very introvert person, and have few friends. My mother is of the opinion that I am very much in love with my own voice and does not want to listen to anyone else (she feels I am 'ghamandi', pardon). In my teenage I made efforts to change her view but to no avail. Now the present situation is I have 1 year old daughter and I lost my husband after 13 months of my marriage. Ours was a love marriage. I was happy with him but his father was a real miser. He tried to manage the situation, but after his death I had to leave his place as I could not have handled myself. So I came back to my mother's place. My mother gave me everything I needed but did not give me the emotional support that I needed. It’s been nearly one and half year since my husband's death but I still keep asking myself, was it my fault , what wrong have I done. I try to make myself understand that this is not the time to think about such things and pull myself backwards but my mother doesn't leave a chance to blame me. So there are so many things in my mind and when my daughter makes some mischief, I take out all my anger on her. I keep telling myself, ‘one moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you several hours of regret" but I need help. I really don't want to hurt my daughter, she is my world, one tear from her eyes makes me feel like I have committed a big crime. Please help.
Ans. I am sorry to hear of your personal troubles. Life has been unfair to you in many ways. But your biggest strength is your professional education and your desire to set up your practice. You also have a child to nurture which is a great goal to pursue. Take whatever support your mother can from your mother and focus on two goals- one is your child and second is your practice. Learn anger management or get into physical activity for stress release. You can have a great life ahead and be a good mother.

M.M

Q. I am an MBA in HR and a married woman since 5 years now to my husband whom I knew 3 years before our marriage. Initially he pretended to be the best man on this earth then after few months told me that he drinks occasionally but later I found he drinks very frequently almost every day. Before our marriage he often shouted on me & threatened than he will neither marry me nor allow me to marry anyone else. This led me to a deep depression. After treatment & our marriage, he never likes to go anywhere with me alone. I am always been accompanied by my brother’s in-law or his 3-4 male friends for honeymoon or movie/travelling respectively. Since then due to his alcoholism & lack of our privacy, we often have quarrels which extends the limits of domestic violence, such as physical, mental, psychological, emotional, financial torture.  He humiliates me in front of his family member & insults my parents in front of me. Always tries to de-motivate me by blaming me for everything. I have lost my self confidence. I am unable to think of my own. There is a constant fear of him. I am a perfect wife if I behave like his puppet. But in my illness due any gynaecological problems or any circumstances he doesn’t care  to give me even a glass of water. I have a 3 years old son who is getting impacted by such incidents. I feel helpless. I am not able to take any strict step of my own. I feel to commit suicide. Please help.

Ans. Domestic violence is a crime under 498 A Criminal Procedure Code and you can file a complaint in the nearest police station in the Mahila Cell. If you can gather support from your family and tell them the truth so that they can help you. You can take him for de-addiction treatment or for marital counselling. If nothing works the best option perhaps is to move out of the marriage and start working to make a career. You are depressed and would need counselling and/or medicines to get out of it. You have a child to take care of so never think of ending your life. Think about him as your goal of life.

 

“Practice makes excellence”- 24 January 2016.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Thursday, 04 February 2016 19:23

A.B

Q. I am in 12th science and I need your help. Actually I want to make my career in photography. But my dad is not allowing me for that, so how I convey him. And can you please suggest me some photography colleges and courses after 12th.
Ans. There are courses in photography in colleges that run design programs such as the National Institute for Design, Ahmadabad; design institutes in Chennai; Pune etc. You might have to search on the net for colleges running design courses. Another option is to do a graduation in any faculty such as science or arts or commerce and take short term courses in photography from local resources. You could after that go for advanced courses too for short term duration. Photography can be a good career in the long run.

A.A

Q. My concentration level is quite weak as a result I commit various calculation mistakes in my subject and also face memory problems. I always fall prey to various distractions and get easily distracted by trivial thoughts during study, ma'am please tell me the secrets of concentrate or way to meditate to increase concentration.
Ans. The main problem of poor concentration is distractions. If your mind is occupied by other unnecessary things it is surely going to interfere in your attention and concentration. Whatever you focus on and pay attention to the mind gets occupied by it. The idea is to de-clutter the mind of unnecessary issues that are eating into your attention. The idea is to take the mind away from the worthless issues and focus it on the topic you have to study. If the topic is boring or tough it becomes an added challenge to keep the attention focused. Alternately if the subject at hand is interesting your mind will be glued to it and will flow into it. So first pick up interesting subjects for study and get into a flow. Then pick up the difficult ones and take up the challenge. Write on a piece of paper the issues that are distracting you and take a decision to pay attention to them at a given time during the day. Once you have given them the needed attention forget them for the day. Also pray and meditate and calm down the mind for studies. Do not get worried or agitated or excited while studying.

I.M

Q. I am a kind of a person who works only under intense pressure i.e. I study only when there's a test or so and even though I am a ranker; it is very bad for me as I preparing for one of the most difficult exams of today- The JEE advanced. I am very casual in my approach towards things till I am on the last moment of doing it. Ma'am please guide me through this problem as I need to study for even more than 12hrs a day and I always find ways to procrastinate things and burning the midnight oil...

Ans. Take a test daily. At the end of the day or at the end of a subject you are studying take a test of what you have studied. You could ask a parent to help you by setting the test or you can do it yourself. Also set a target in term of percentage that you want to achieve in the exams. Write the percentage in bold letters on a paper and stick it on your wall in front of your study table at home. Another thing you could do is to write your career goals in bold letters on a paper and stick that too on the wall to remind yourself of your future dreams. Then see if that acts as a motivation for you to sit for studies seriously daily. Daily study and practice is important. Over confidence will let you down. You should see how professional sportspersons, artists, dancers, etc practice daily without fail otherwise they lose out on their expertise. Everything needs practice to make it perfect. Excellence does not come by thinking alone but by action. The mind needs practice just like the muscle needs practice. Do not waste away your talents and regret later. Many good students fall prey to over confidence and do not study daily and hence lose out on their rank or marks. What’s the point in doing that? Work hard and daily too- That is your only responsibility.

 

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