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“Be grateful to them”- 30 October 2016.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Tuesday, 01 November 2016 13:08

FK

Q. I am a student of final year diploma in civil engineering. I was very sharp in studies up to my high school, but now I can't concentrate on it. This is most crucial year (final year) of my educational and future life as I need to score very high here to get a reputed institute for my further studies. My score in a recent class test series was very poor. Now I am badly depressed thinking about my future. I have lost all my self confidence. My family, relatives, friends have high expectations from me. My friends are also motivating me, but to no avail. Now I have got less than a month to go for my final exams. I got big fear of exams after all this. I am badly depressed, totally lost my self confidence. I am trying to recover but mentally I am unable. Hopefully you will give me solution. Please help me out ma'am.

Ans. Your mind is gripped with fear due to your poor performance. You might be aspiring for admission into engineering course after your diploma. And certainly you would good marks for admission into engineering. That is your source for anxiety. It is a realistic situation that you are facing and puts a question on your future career if you do not get admitted. One way would to relax your anxieties and concentrate and take help of a good tutor. Another thing to do would be to think of other options such as joining the Indian Institute of Engineers (IIE) and appear for their exams. They issue diplomas that are equivalent to a degree. A third alternative is to go for an aptitude test to ascertain your areas of talent and abilities to know which career line is the most suitable for your aptitude. Since you were a good student in high school and are going down in results in diploma course, you may be unsuited for an engineering programme. Your abilities may lie elsewhere. This is only a thought which needs to be verified by an aptitude test.

AS

Q. I am again in a need of your help. I am a very emotional person. Small things hurt me a lot.  But I never cry in front of any one. I always use my washroom for crying my heart out. My best friends are books and my diary. I am not introverted. But, I don’t like display of my emotions in a world where nobody cares. My father who remarried after my mother's death doesn't live with me.  But he was in contact with me from 3 years. But now suddenly what happened to him I don't know from two months he has not contacted me. He always does this from time to time. Now I am fed up and I am hating him for neglecting me like this. My maternal family is very good and they are taking best care of me. But I feel that my father also should help in my expenses. Whenever he comes to meet in (in 5-6 months) he brings at teddy bear for me, this humiliates me in front of my maternal family. I mean who gives a 17 year old girl a teddy bear? What should I do madam? I feel alone and neglected by him. I feel like an orphan. I want to become a psychologist but now I can't even help myself. I don't want to show my depressed side to my maternal family as this can upset them. Please guide me.
Ans. Your father still has the image of you when he left you at your maternal relative home it seems! Since he does not interact with you regularly he does not register in his mind your growth and development into a young adult. However it is a strange behaviour when a father does not recognise and acknowledge your age! Just laugh it off instead of getting angry but so please tell him your age and ask him how to play with a teddy. You could instead ask for a more appropriate gift of your choice. That will make it easy for him and for you. The second thing is to love your maternal relatives who look after you and never to feel like an orphan. Appreciate and respect them for what they do for you and not to think of ‘what they do not do for you’. The same goes for your father. Under the circumstances the best choice you have is to make a good career for yourself by focusing on studies and controlling your emotions by suppressing them and ignoring them. It is difficult but not impossible. It can be done with discipline and single focus on career building.

 

“Introverts are different”- 23 October 2016

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Tuesday, 25 October 2016 10:37

K.K

Q. I’m a final year student and I am facing a problem where I feel like my college friends act all sweet with me to my face and then the minute I go away they start talking about me behind my back. I already face problems with my self confidence and this does only makes it worse and makes me doubt myself more. This upsets me very much and I don’t like going to college all that much because of this. Every time I leave I keep thinking and stressing over what they might be saying about me. Because of this I work myself up to such a point that I make myself sick or keep making excuses not to go to college. My parents keep getting worried and upset because I’m falling sick so often and missing college. I don’t even go out much because of this? What do I do?

Ans. Yes this can happen where a group or gang can bully you and make you feel miserable. It happens in all institutions and groups that some gangs dominate and bully others specially the weak ones. An alternative explanation to this can be that you might be ‘feeling’ like this but may not be true all the time. It may have happened once with you and you may have developed this fear of being teased and ridiculed behind your back. You should start going to college and do not bother until and unless people say things on your face and to you directly. Let them talk behind your back as much as they like. If you still feel insecure come for a session of counselling.

M.N

Q. My friends keep telling me things about their personal lives and problems and expect me to tell them about mine too. I’m not the type who shares too much about my personal life with someone unless I’m absolutely comfortable with them. However they feel like it’s their right to know since they told me their problems and get offended when I don’t tell them. This makes me feel like I should tell them what’s going on even though it’s none of their business only because I’m scared of losing them as friends. But they should also realize that when a person is not comfortable talking about things you shouldn’t force them. How do I get this to stop?

Ans. Introverts do not like to share their problems unless they are very close to the people. Extroverts do not mind sharing themselves. What you could do to continue your friendship with them since you want to be accepted in the group is to share something which is less sensitive and emotional for you. You could pick an incident which does not talk of intimate facts but some home or school episodes which you do not mind sharing. Sharing is important in the group as it reflects trust and closeness but being cautious and wary is right too. Do not reveal too much!

ABC.

Q. I’m a 12th std student doing science, however if feel the stress to be too much and I can’t concentrate on my studies. I also keep falling sick very often. I’m so scared about what’s going to happen in my boards. I don’t want to let my parents or family members down. How to get myself to calm down and not stress out every time I sit down to study?

 

Ans. This is an unfortunate situation where you have chosen subjects for which you do not have the required aptitude. You should have taken science in the first place and should have opted for something else. Even now it is not too late. You could appear for your 12 std and try to pass the examinations. Then after that you would have to opt for another course of study of your liking as well as matching your aptitude. For that we would need a discussion with your parents and conduct an aptitude test to know your talent areas and abilities. You should have planned that in 10 Std itself. But even it is not too late for you have yet to get into the right kind of course and college. Inform your parents right now that after 12 Std you would be leaving science and choosing something else. They should be prepared for that and they should know that you are stressing yourself out with science subjects. I am sure that you have talent in some other field and could make a great career elsewhere. However, in the meantime do some meditation to calm and relax your mind and do your best. Come for a session for meditation, we will train you in it.

“Life is a beautiful challenge”- 16 October 2016

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Tuesday, 25 October 2016 10:34

A.S

Q. I am in MBA (Human Resources) 3 rd semester and want to make my career in this field as a generalist. I am also interested in training and development.
Kindly highlight the opportunity in this field as a fresher to me.

Ans. Human resource management (HRM) deals with selection, recruitment, development of skills of employees in different areas, compensation and mainte­nance of human resources. Between HRD and HRM there is a difference but generally both are functions are merged and used interchangeably in general parlance. HRD deals with efficient utilization of human resources by training and it is a part of HRM. There is enough scope in industries and corporate sector for human resource management students.

J.K

Q. My parents have high expectations from me. They want me to get good marks and good rank and so that they will be proud of me. I do not like studies and cannot concentrate on studies. I do not like science and maths and history too. I love to play out door games. I am in games and have won prizes also but my parents are still not happy with me. Is it correct that I should make my parents happy? Should I follow my aims or my parents aim? Please tell me if a career in sports is a bad thing? Please help me madam.

Ans. A career in sports is a very good thing but there are aspects that need to be looked into, in detail before you take this decision seriously. Firstly, your track record so far and how far can you go in the sport, means to what level of achievement to can aspire for. This means you need to get yourself assessed and your talent by an expert in the field. Secondly, how much will your training cost and are your parents ready to spend that amount of money. Thirdly, will you think of an alternate plan and what will that be. Another way is to take a risk for one or two years while you can and go ahead and play seriously for the specific sport you are interested in and try and make some headway in it. If you do not make any significant progress in the specific sport then get back to studies and follow your plan B to make a career. Everyone needs to make a career to make a living and be independent. Think seriously from that angle of being independent and earning for your-self. Otherwise keep sports as a good hobby and pursue it seriously with passion and make another career for a living. Most sports personalities do this.

A.L

Q. I am very depressed and feel like committing suicide. I don’t want to live any longer. I am not working after graduation. It was marriage which was to happen but my boyfriend has stopped talking to me. I feel he is avoiding me and shouts at me when I call. He says I am disturbing him in his work. My astrologer says this marriage will not happen as our stars do not match. I have a relationship from seven years and I love him very much. If I don’t marry him I will not marry anyone and I will die. How can he do this to me? Why did he not tell me that he will do this to me?

 

Ans. This is an unfortunate situation that your boyfriend of long standing whom you were to marry soon has changed his behaviour for the worse. This is very bad and immoral act on his part. You have every reason to feel dejected and depressed. But you should never think of ending your life and never lose hope in your future. Life is beautiful and we are fortunate to be born as human beings. We believe that you get the life of a human after many re-births and after doing good work in your past life. So think about your goodness and your future. Of course you will have to think how to manage this turn of events and what to do with your personal life and what to do with your emptiness. For the moment I can suggest that you focus on two things- one is on your career building, and two, is on your family, your parents and your siblings. The safest and best place on earth is your home –they love you, want you, will ditch you ever and always stand by you. If you do something silly with your-self, they will be hit very hard and will suffer endlessly. It will be extremely unfair to them. So be kind to yourself and be kind to your family. The boy needs to be spanked and cursed. However, leave the punishment to God.

“Make a wise choice”- 9 October 2016.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Tuesday, 11 October 2016 19:18

A.J

Q. I want to be a musician and my parents feel that they don’t earn much and I will be a failure in that career.  She likes music herself very much and she encouraged me to do music. Now why she is not allowing me I don’t know. She is forcing me to take science. I don’t it too much. I like arts and languages and she is not understanding me. Can you help me in this madam please. I love music and it is my life.

Ans. Of course you can make a career in music and it is possible to do so. The main consideration of parents is that in such a career early settlement is not possible as it does not follow a straight path of taking a degree and getting a decent job which makes you independent and self reliant economically. Another factor is that such careers as music requires excellence in performance and a higher level of creativity to make a name in the field. The average and mediocre performers find it hard to make a name and sometimes to even survive in a decent way. Hence the parents feel anxious in allowing you to choose such a career. But we can talk it out with you and your parents and find a solution to your passion. If you have the talent and are very hard working about making a success of it, we might be able to help your parents actually support you in your dreams. All the best!

E.G

Q. I like a girl and keep dreaming of her. She does not talk to me nicely and sometimes she smiles at me. Then again I am upset and hope she will like me. I am thinking of her all the time and whole day I imagine her and talk to her in my mind. I want to spend time with her. I have made many calls to her and she does not pick up the call. She does not want friendship with me. But now I feel I should get out of this as I am wasting my time and my studies. I cannot and do not feel like studying. Please help me get out of this habit.

Ans. I must congratulate you for realising that you are wasting your time and neglecting your studies. That speaks of a healthy mind and a tougher spirit. Yes, of course you can leave her alone and get going with your life in a good way. Immerse yourself in your studies and in extra-curriculum activities. If there are certain skills that you need to develop like building your personality, or learning good English, or learning a new game like tennis, or badminton or football, you should enrol yourself in such a class of your choice. Relationships can be an emotional drain and can be detrimental to health too. Physical activities can help a lot in getting rid of unwanted emotions and some bit of meditation can calm down the body and mind. Another thing is to stay among people and friends and reduce your time alone. That should be a good beginning.

K.K

Q. I have suffered a break-up in my marriage some years ago. I like a man in my office and he is married with two kids. He says his family life is unhappy as his wife troubles him a lot and he wants to marry me but I don’t know what to do. He is a nice person and cares for me a lot. He solves my problem whenever I ask for help and he loves me a lot. He talks to me every day. He says he will ask for a divorce from his wife but so far he has not started the divorce. I want to believe him but I am losing my patience. These days we have started fighting on small things and he is irritated with me. Please advise me madam.

 

Ans. This is an unfortunate situation. Getting involved with a married man with two kids is a losing proposition for you. He might not ever start the divorce proceedings due to so many complications and he might love you too and may be true to you and your feelings. He may not be cheating you as such and may have true feelings for you. But his helplessness will take over and he will end up maintaining his status quo. This means, that he will maintain the marriage as well as desire your friendship and this situation will persist forever. If you are keen for marriage and settlement of a stable nature then you have two choices. You could either end this relationship gracefully immediately or you can give him a time deadline of a year or so and then give up. But this is fraught of pain and struggle as you will strengthen the emotional ties with him in the year ahead and that will make the breakup more stressful. A session of counselling may help take a better decision.

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