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“Stay away from emotional traps”- 11 December 2016.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Thursday, 29 December 2016 19:15

GS

Q: I am a student of B.A. 2nd year of Art Faculty. I am a bright student and also a hard worker. Madam I want to become a successful person and I have to do something better in my life, but nowadays I am facing a big problem. One girl loves me more than I do her. I like her very much but I can’t love her. Whenever I try to avoid her she cries. Now she told me that she would only be friends with me but she still behaves like a lover. I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t want to hurt her. Please help me, what should I do?

Ans: Do not fall into this trap! If you want to focus on studies and be a successful person and this girl is trying to distract you please be careful of her and her tantrums. She loves you and you do not. She wants your attention and you try to avoid her. She cries and promises you friendship and then again behaves otherwise. So this game will go on endlessly and you will not get any respite from her as will try her best to trap you. So get out as fast as you can if you do not want to hurt yourself. At some point in situations a stand has to be taken. It is either her welfare or yours. If you do not stand for yourself who will? You should hence do what is best and healthy for you.

AG

Q: I have completed 12th and currently preparing for NEET. Though everyone says I will surely get selected, if not this year then next year. I do not know whether to continue it or to go for civil service preparation which is my childhood dream and to some extent my parent's too.  Please guide me.

Ans: Your career is a very important aspect of your life. You should be sure of what you want to do and you should be able to enjoy your work as well. If to join the civil service stream is your childhood dream, then you should definitely do that and as you said it is your parents dream too. But for that you would need to be a graduate in any field. You could graduate in arts, science, medicine or law or anything. So graduation is a must. If you get selected for medicine you could go for it and if you do not qualify for NEET entrance, you could opt for any other graduation in science/arts/commerce/etc. Taking a professional degree course, such as, medicine, law, engineering etc is not a necessity for civil services – it is just a trend. Think about it. if you are still confused a session of career guidance will help sort it out.

ML

Q: I read your article in the Sunday paper. You wrote about power of introvert & I found it similar to my own life. Please help me out, I often feel like ending my life. I was a very good student in school. My parents pressured me into doing engineering. But I have become weak in my studies as I am not able to concentrate. People always ignore me. They come to me only when they have work and after that they leave me. I don’t have any close friends with whom I can share my feelings. I enjoy talking in front of people and giving speeches. I would love to do something related to that instead of engineering. I think of running out of this place all the time just to forget. I am also not getting a proper placement from my college and that is depressing me even more. I like one person and don’t know what to do. Whatever I do he is always on my mind. I feel like no one understands me. I’m not able to concentrate on anything else. Please help me overcome this.

 

Ans: This is a long list of problems you seem to be suffering from. Your primary problem is getting pushed into a course of study which is not your choice. Your misery gets multiplied there for if you had your choice you would have been happy with your studies and would have a sense of achievement and success. Try negotiating with your parents about changing your course of study now or later after you graduate. This area of life is very important as you get a major part of your identity from your work. Now, besides this, your failures get multiplied as your introvert nature too presents a different set of obstacles. Introverts do face many issues related to interpersonal skills and finding their way in society. They have issues about communication and putting their views across to others in a personal interaction. You say that you are good at giving speeches and that is your strong point. This area of weaknesses can be improved by training and development sessions on social skills. Both areas of life are important. Take care of one and come for training for the other aspects. Never think of ending your life. It is too precious. Never give up. Be brave and face the problems –they generally go away when you confront them.

“Introverts need to equip themselves with social skills”- 4 December 2016.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Thursday, 29 December 2016 19:11

S.M.

Q: Hello ma’am, I have some emotional issues for which I need your help. So can you please help?

Ans: Please specify the nature of emotional issues that you are facing and of course counselling is all about handling emotional issues that distress you. Alternately if you do not desire to publish them in the column then you would need to take an appointment and come personally. That will be better any day.

P.D.

Q: I am a 21 year old engineering student. I read your article on ‘POWER OF BEING AN INTROVERT’ in the Hitavada and realized how familiar my story is to it. In daily life I face a lot of problems due to my introverted personality, so much so that even my lecturers don’t give me enough marks because I don’t communicate enough. I used to have a few good and loyal friends but now they also have turned they backs on me. I’m all alone. Add to that I’m always worried about whether or not I will get selected during the campus placements next year. Due to this I’m not even able to concentrate on my studies and have been getting low grades. Even all my friends and family members’ keep telling me to get out of being introverted. I will not be able to survive. Is being an introvert a bad thing? Please tell me what I can do.

Ans: The article was written for introverts like you and for the people in general to state that introversion is not a bad thing at all, as they have different set of qualities that are unique to them. At the same time introverts are under pressure in today’s competitive environment to learn social skills and presentation skills which are required for job interviews and placements. Communication is necessary and so is social networking and that needs behavioural training if you are deficient in it. You can learn many good skills without disturbing your introversion. Many great people have shared their experiences about being introverts and suffering due to it till they realize to be happy in their own skins. Mahatma Gandhi talked extensively about it as I have mentioned. So do not despair. You are in good company but do pick up some necessary social skills which are not impossible to learn. They are necessary for social functioning.

AK.

Q: I am a 22 year old student. I have been dating this boy for the last two years and I am very serious about him. But his family is not ready to accept that he is in a relationship and want him to concentrate on his studies and family business. They are putting all kinds of restrictions on him and put him under a lot of pressure. He keeps ignoring me and treating me badly because of it all. I don’t know what to do because the way he is treating me is not right and I don’t even want to leave him when he needs me. But how does he expect that of me when he is not ready to tell me what is happening with him. I am so frustrated and upset and can’t concentrate on anything. Please tell me what to do.

Ans: It will be important to know if the boy is afraid of his parents or is unwilling to go against their wishes or is waiting for some more time to pass till he prepares himself for the big decision. Instead of ignoring you if he could tell you something about his thought process it would help. Sometimes people are uncommunicative and find it difficult to explain or sometimes it’s an excuse to get away. You could just ask him if you should wait for him and his decisions or you should go your way. His answer would give you some lead on his thoughts. If he says –it is your will- then get out of it and do not waste more time on it. Every good friendship need not end up in marriage for marriage entails many more factors than just good friendship. If he is working for the family business, then it means that he is dependent on his parents /father for his earnings and future. In such a condition where the boy is in family business and the parents are opposing the alliance, the boy finds it very difficult to rebel against them and take an independent stand, since he is not economically independent. If you are in a hurry to marry saying goodbye will be better and if you can wait for a couple of years, then you could give yourself and your friendship some more time. But the fact that he is misbehaving is not a good sign to hang on to him for too long.

 

 

 

 

 

“Postpone emotions”- 27 November 2016.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Tuesday, 29 November 2016 17:55

B.D

Q. I am a girl studying in 12th. I am preparing for my NEET exam. Mam I am suffering from a lot of depression as I can't study as per my expectations. I find difficulty in keeping my mind stable. I am not able to forget my past (hope you got it).I try to change my mind but can't stay on it much...this disappoints me a lot. I am a kind of a dreamy person which makes it more difficult for me. Please help me Mam.

Ans. Human beings have infinite capacity to postpone their desires and focus on the task at hand. You must throw away your emotions for some time and concentrate only on career making. Do not try to forget the past- it does not happen like that at all. What you should do is to find specific time for your past memories. For example, take 30 minutes out daily at a specific time during the day and sit with either a diary or loose sheets of paper and scribble out your feelings and thoughts on it. That will clear your mind for the day at least and then focus on studies. If you have depression as you say, then you would need sessions of counselling for some time. It would help to know if you have the aptitude for medicine or not for that could be another source of anxiety and stress for you. Again an aptitude test will clear doubts about your capacity and your ambitions. There could be multiple reasons for your state of mind and it would be important to assess them.

V.S

Q. I am a 40 years-old woman. I work in an office and am independent. My husband is a big problem for me. He drinks and smokes and never maintains a job permanently. He is always changing jobs with some excuse or other. Basically he is a lazy fellow. When he comes home he does not want to work and does not help in the house. He keeps ordering me with this and that demand for eating good food. He does not even shop for vegetables and wants all in hand. His mother supports him as she thinks her son is right and I am wrong. I have one child who understands everything and gets angry with father. My husband blames me for making my son go against his father. It is not true madam. His behaviour is not good and I am fed up. My parents keep encouraging me to adjust and stay with him. I wish I can run away.

Ans. This is a very difficult situation for you. We sympathise with your condition. This is not an ideal family situation for you and naturally stressful. Have you thought of what you want to do ahead in the marriage? As an independent working woman would you be comfortable with taking a break from your marriage and living separately for a while and then figure out what you want to do with your life? Sometimes a serious threat works best with persons like your husband who drink, smoke and are irresponsible. Once you break after giving a warning he will take you more seriously than he is doing now. If your parents do not accept you, a separate accommodation would be an alternative to think about. Your child would be better off too with a cleaner atmosphere with no strife. Think about it. Or else a session of counselling may help think through the problem to think of alternatives.

AM

Q. My friend is having many bad habits of drinking and watching TV whole night. He does not get sleep and keeps awake. After that in the morning he is not able to get up and go to work on time. He has a large joint family who help his family and wife and children and he takes no responsibility for them. His wife went away to her parents many times and then he goes and brings them back. This is going on since many years. Please advice. Will counselling help overcome his bad habits?

 

Ans.  Yes, counselling should be tried systematically on a long term. These are character defects or disorders where a person is addicted to drinking and becomes irresponsible in personal and professional matters. He is not a good professional and neither a good parent or husband. He is self centred and worries for his own whims and needs. Since he has a family to take care of his responsibilities he does not feel the urgency to do anything. His wife is naturally a victim of his temperament and addictive nature and is suffering due to it. You might motivate your friend for counselling and you may send the couple together initially.

Last Updated ( Tuesday, 29 November 2016 17:57 )

“Get up and get going”- 20 November 2016

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Monday, 21 November 2016 11:08

PW

Q. I had pursued Chartered Accountancy as my career. Now I am at the intermediate stage (IPCC). But I'm not satisfied with this career option because I have no interest in it and I wish to switch to civil engineering. I was student of science in 11th and 12th (PCMB). Please guide me as to whether I should shift from CA to civil engineering. I request you to please respond at the earliest as it is urgent.

Ans. Of course you can shift from CA to civil engineering. Nobody can stop you. There are two things to take care of before making the change. One is your aptitude for civil engineering- an aptitude test will help ascertain whether it will be a good choice for you or else you land up in another soup. The second thing is the entrance test of JEE main which you will have to prepare for and JEE advance if you aim for the top engineering colleges. This means you should have the qualities of dedication and hard work to sit and re-learn your science subjects which you have discarded since a few years for doing CA Inter. That may not be an easy thing but certainly not impossible if you are passionate about science. Your own mind is important and an objective self assessment of your strengths and weaknesses will be necessary to help you make the switch.

Anonymous.

Q. I got married recently and I lost my father-in-law last month. He loved me like my own father. I always get frustrated whenever I don't get the space I want with my husband as he is the only bread earner for the family. We get time but not like we did earlier. I feel like crying whenever he leaves for work. I stay with my mother in law at home still I feel very lonely, empty and lost. I have been feeling this way for the last month. I feel like getting out or diverting my mind but failed. I start searching for people with whom I can talk or share. It will take time for us to settle but I feel helpless because everything has changed. I started talking to people whom I don't like. I am just always crying.  There was a time when I loved to sit alone and hated crying on small things. I feel so weak and I don't want to bother my husband again and again on this matter. Please help.

Ans. This is a strange phenomenon as you mention your mental state of feeling despondent and lost without your father-in-law. May I ask if you have your own Father or lost him early in life? For if you did lose your father early on, then your mental condition is somewhat understandable for you may have found a father in your father-in-law and hence miss him. Many times relationships make us weak as they bring out the tender emotions which lie buried deeply in your mind in comparison to when you are single and going about your routine. Marriage for women bring out their ‘dependency needs’ as they may surrender themselves to the husband and his family. The total submission and devotion makes them feel happy and loved by the family and consequently helpless and despondent if the family is not there. You will have to work on your weaknesses and seek counselling sessions to understand this experience better. You may have a different explanation to give me but for the moment I can hypothesise this. Try making new women friends and try getting involved in some fruitful activity even for a short duration, say for an hour or two. That will definitely help.

Prasanna.

Q. I am studying in msc (agri). I have aim of becoming professor and for that I need to qualify net exam which is not so easy. But I know that I have potential to clear it. Only I am facing problems are not able to concentrate seriously on my studies due to relationships problems like girlfriend. Many fights are happening between us which disturbs me lot mentally- I want peace in this. Secondly I am lazy also- I waste most time in enjoying or entertainment only. Please guide me properly. What should I do?

Ans. It would be advisable to stop this friendship with the girl for some time. Tell her you want half a year /one year leave from the relationship and would like to concentrate on your career. If she does not understand then forget her and don’t communicate with her. Your laziness may be springing from your emotional problems which lead to mental fatigue. Physical activity will help you rejuvenate your mind and activate your mind and body. Wasting time as you say is just that- waste of time and money. Get up and get going!

 

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