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“Letting them go”- 22 October 2017.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 31 December 2017 17:08

N.S

Q. My child is showing bad behaviour from some months. He is 9 years old and good with studies. He is active and very active at home. In school he sits quietly and no complain from teachers are there. He does not make much friends and keeps aloof. At home he is very troublesome. We are worried. Where should I take him- should I take him to a doctor, does he have a medical problem or should I bring him for counselling? His teachers are happy with him. Ours is a joint family with four more children and eight adults. Please guide us.

Ans. Please understand that there is always a reason for a child’s bad behaviour. The child must be hurt by someone physically or emotionally by bullying/ragging. There could be someone from your joint family- you need to find out whether an adult or an older child has hurt him. Investigations will help you get information. If he is normal and well behaved at school and behaves badly at home, then the problem has to have the origin at home front, whether it is you and/or his father or the extended family members. Take him to a counsellor/psychologist and after assessment she may refer him further if needed. Otherwise the problem may be solved soon. Do not take him to a doctor first- it is not necessary.

B.S

Q. I have lost my head. I am a working woman and was widowed many years ago. My children became big and went to college. Then my problems of loneliness starts and I miss my children. I try to talk to them daily but they don’t like my interference I feel like that. This hurts me a lot. I cry daily and cannot sleep well. I made a friend near my office but I don’t think that is the right thing to do. He is showing interest but he is married and has children. What should I do? I need some guidance and some advice. Please help.

Ans. It is true that as children grow up they live a life of their own and parents should keep in touch but not ‘interfere’ in their lives. Parents should ‘let them go’. A lot of freedom is good for them to face the challenges and learn to cope with them properly. As a single person, it is good that you are working and have a life of your own and are economically independent. What is missing in your life is the fullness in your personal life. Filling up the emptiness/loneliness is a matter of adjustment and the ability to fill your life with friends and creative hobbies. Getting involved with a married man is not advisable and you are right by staying away from him. Instead you could think of re-marrying and finding a suitable partner for yourself. Age is not a barrier but you may have to ask your children if they are okay with it. A session of counselling may help you clear your mind about your needs and then set goals for achieving them. All the best- Cheer up. Be brave and strong. Do not cry and feel depressed.

M.N

Q. My friends tease me a lot. They call me names and rag me about my slim figure and my colour of skin. I am dark complexion and am very thin too. I feel like crying and fighting with them too. I hate them but they are my friends. If I fight with them they will leave me and I will be alone. No one will talk to me. I am afraid of losing my friends. What should I do Madam? Please guide me in detail of what I should do? You are my only hope. I cannot talk to anyone at home.

 

Ans. You seem to have two problems- one, is that you suffer from a low self image and esteem which you have developed due to the ragging and bullying by friends about your colour of skin and slim figure. The second is that you are a submissive and fearful guy and lacks the art and skill of assertiveness. You do not stand up for your rights and take the humiliations lying down. This lack of assertiveness is linked to your low self esteem and negative image. You would need to build up your positive reserves and positive thinking of yourself as well as learn the art of asserting. These are life skills and part of coping strategies which everyone needs to learn in their life. Sometimes if it is taught at home by parents children do not suffer like you are doing but many have to learn them from outside. We can train you in all these positive skills in a few sessions if you are prepared. All this suffering at the hands of so called friends is damaging to self. The earlier you train the better.

“Make yourself employable”- 15 October 2017.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 31 December 2017 11:54

Anonymous.

Q. Recently you might have heard about the lost girl from my town Amravati. She was a 12-13 year girl who went lost. After all the police and family drama, the girl was found after 4 days from Nagpur. Later it was revealed that it was neither a case of kidnapping nor child trafficking. The girl left the house on her own will and the shocking part, that after she was found, she again attempted to run away because she did not want to return back to her family. It is known from the girl's family's close sources that the environment of their house was quite strict and dominating. They still don't have a smart phone in their house!
My question to you is, was that girl really at fault? People around are talking a lot about the girl. That she had a hot temperament and that she was naughty too. Her twin sister is so calm. What bold step can that girl take when she goes to the college and so on....Ma'am, even I was brought up in a very strict environment and an atmosphere where my elder sibling with high IQ was always preferred.  Somewhere I feel, I can very well relate to the girl's feeling of not wanting to return back home..I'm getting disturbed by the people accusing the girl and moreover I'm not able to acknowledge my own feeling that the girl is not at fault... Ma'am, please guide- is it the girl's fault, or the parents are at fault?

Ans. This case needs to be looked into from many angles. One is that a girl of age 12 will not leave home until she has the support of someone to care for her. It is possible only when she is suffering from a mental disorder where she is not aware of the reality and runs away or strays away from home repeatedly. Such cases though rare have been reported in Nagpur too where a girl strayed away from school and got lost in another area. The issue of the family being dominating can be a reality because violence and abuse in families is a common phenomenon. Not having a smart phone at home is not an anomaly as most times it is not required at all and children should not be provided smart phones in school levels- it only makes them addicted and un-smart. The violence, if any, and the domination needs to stop immediately and the police authorities can take note and action against the family members/parents. They should be given a strict warning and let off with a threat. Child-line (helpline for children) should be informed about such children and they can intervene in such families as social workers. They should follow up such cases for future care and monitor their progress of adjustment in the family. As far as the question of ‘whose fault’ is concerned, the ultimate moral and legal responsibility falls on the parents who will be ‘found guilty’ of bad management and bad parenting.

N.S

Q. I am a BBA student. Also I want my career in cooperate sector but problem is that they only hires experienced candidates. Then fresher's like me cannot get such kind of job in business sector. So can u guide me how can I make a good career in cooperate sector?

Ans. I hope you are talking about the corporate sector and not cooperate sector? I think you need to hone your skills further in many areas before you make a career in the corporate sector. They look for many qualities in a candidate and therefore ask for some work experience. Campus selections are done for fresher’s or else gain experience in smaller companies and then rise in the ladder of bigger and better companies. Take more education and skills in the right direction depending upon your career goals.

S.S

Q. I am 2nd year 3rd semester B.Sc science (maths) group student and I have 1st and 2nd semester back PCM group and I could not concentrate on studies cause I have no interest in it my parents have pushed me to do it. But I have interest in civil engineering its 2 years while I am studying bsc but now I have so much backlogs that I cannot clear. Please advice me that civil engineering is good option or not!

 

Ans. Any option is a good option whether it is maths or engineering. The important and decisive factor is your aptitude and interest in the discipline. it would be a good idea to get your aptitude measured and guidance taken for the best options for you. The second chance that you take for making a fresh choice should be the right one and not a fancy of your mind or a pressure from your parents. This is the unfortunate reality that we see around us now-a-days.

“Being wise and sensible”- 1 October 2017.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 15 October 2017 17:04

S.W

Q. I'm a final year engineering student. I never wanted to do engineering. I tried to tell my parents but I failed to convince them. I have somehow managed to reach in final year but still have 4 backlogs. Day by day it's getting tougher for me to adjust with this. Can u please help me?

Ans. Reaching the finishing line and quitting your degree will be really foolish. You can easily clear four backlogs, it is not a big deal. Once you are a graduate with a degree in hand the world is open to you to choose another line in post graduation. You can opt for anything you like and start a new course of study too. But complete this for otherwise three long years will be a total waste of time and money. Whether you like it or not, you must complete the task at hand. Even if it seems tougher by the day, once decided you will be able to complete it and be free. The degree will bring a sense of relief and a sense of freedom with it. A session of counselling will help chart the future course of planning and action.

K.N

Q. After breakup my boyfriend Broke All Contacts With Me. In A Fit Of Rage I Used Bad Words, Abusive Language & Sent SMS To His Family (Mom) Member. His Family Warned Me &Ended The Issue. Today After 5 Years Suddenly I Got His Number From One Of Common Friend. I Apologized As I Was Guilty Since Long Time. But He Blocked Me. Now I Think I'm A Criminal and Everyone Hates Me. Please Help Me.

Ans. Where is the need to be guilty for something you are not responsible for. He broke up with you and also broke off all contact with you (I do not know the reason for his behaviour as you do not mention it) and you were extremely hurt. You abused him in anger and also messaged his family in retaliation. Expression of anger helps in venting out high emotions and makes you feel relieved. Since he may not have been decent in breaking it off amicably (I am assuming this) you must have raged about it. It was perfectly fine for you to behave in such a fashion at that moment. Your mistake lies in making contact with him again after five years and awakening your emotions for him. He has rejected you once again and that is a terrible feeling. Now follow my advice- stop feeling guilty and like a criminal, nobody hates you (he does not like you that I can agree). Forget him, he is no good for you, he does not deserve another glance. He does not exist in this world at all for you. Focus on the present and excel in your goal in life. Make new friends at some point of time. Life is too vast to worry about one insensitive fellow.

N.S

Q. I am 22 year old boy & finished my graduation this year. I love one my teachers very much. I tried telling her after finishing college. She refused to accept my feelings. I tried a lot but she doesn't understand. She is very supportive and caring but gets annoyed when I talk about my feelings. This hurts me a lot. I know she is a married woman with kids. But I need her and want to be with her. She has stopped talking to me and I am very disturbed due to that. I can't live without her. I will try to give up my feelings but I want to talk to her.

 

Ans. It is wise of her to keep you away from her rather than listen to your feelings and trying to counsel you. It is possible that she did not know how to handle a situation like this in a balanced way and hence distanced herself. She is a married and responsible lady and you should have maintained a respectful distance from her. Telling her your feelings for her does not help anyone and hence she has taken this step. I would suggest you talk this out with a friend or better still seek professional counselling to help yourself. She has done the right thing for she must have sensed your intensity of emotions. The only alternative suggestion she could have made to you was to make friends of your own age and also to seek proper counselling. Do not approach her for personal reasons after this. That would be best for both of you.

“Purposeful engagement”- 17 September 2017.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 15 October 2017 16:57

D.A

Q. I am in class 12 right now, it is less than 4 months are left for my boards but whenever I sit lot of thoughts crosses my mind. They are more of my present life like friends and family. I'm able to overcome them for a while but after sometime they are back!

Ans. This is more like a symptom of worrying about the exams and not being able to concentrate on studies. When the attention and concentration gets affected due to worry symptoms like these occur. Cut down your social and family interactions and focus more on studies. Forget making and maintaining friends and think only of studies. Boost yourself/ego by positive thoughts about your studies and about making a good career in future. Meditate twice daily, relax the mind and believe in yourself. Get rid of worry and anxiety. Get your mind in control.

A.C

Q. I am from Wardha. I am in XII Std. I opted for science stream. I have a keen interest in music. I want to study sound engineering and become an audio engineer. As it is less pursued course, my parents doubt it. But I have confidence that I can shine but I am quite afraid. Please guide me madam.

Ans. There is no need to doubt your choice. It is a great career and it is true that few people opt for it. Your confidence and passion will take you miles and that is the most important thing. Your belief in yourself will give you the best success in your career. What is the point in doing a course which many are doing? It is important to be different and unique. That is wonderful indeed!

P.L

Q. I am in trouble due to my boyfriend. He seems to be losing his temper, nowadays, as he is not doing well in college. His parents are angry with him all the time. He keeps shouting at me and then keeps asking for sorry. I say it is okay but I am also getting angry nowadays. I feel like telling him to run away but he not leaving me and not behaving nicely. I am crying most times and don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Ans. His bad behaviour may have many reasons such as decline in academics, parental confrontations and the like. He seems to be in depression and counselling will help him overcome it. Tell him that you cannot help him much if he is in depression and that he would need professional help of a counsellor. You can support him till he undergoes the counselling sessions and then decide whether you want to maintain the relationship or not. Leaving him now may upset him further and it is advisable for you NOT to be his counsellor for that will stress you out and might affect you too with depression. So separate the two issues of depression and friendship and treat him first.

R.P

Q. My friends do not care for me these days. They don’t call me nor they ask after me. I am a retired person and have led a very happy and healthy life. I am a well qualified person and I lost my husband a few years ago. I feel very lonely and don’t know what to do. My son and daughter in law keep busy in their careers and though they love me they have no time for me. Do I need counselling? In what way I can change my life? I love my family a lot and want us to stay together.

Ans. Yes, many people in your situation might feel the way you are feeling. Losing one’s spouse, at any stage of life and more so after retirement when children are bust is a tough situation to be in. It is nice to know that you lead an active and healthy life and now have lost direction, so to say. It would be nice to explore the possibilities of being active in some ways, out of the home, and finding your bearings. Being at home alone is not a happy situation especially when you are not wanted by children. Get back to your colleagues, friends, old contacts and form a friendly group. Secondly, explore your mind for the type of work you would like to engage in, whether it is voluntary or paid, is immaterial. A session of counselling will help you find your way out in handling stress in creative ways and outlets. Keeping purposefully engaged is the best way to lead life.

 

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