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Organize your time during holidays - 08 Aug 2010

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 08 August 2010 00:00

Y.A.

Q. I am a 1st year B.Tech student aged 19 years. Two years ago I developed a bad habit of thinking about bad things. After two years it became worse. Now I want to get rid of this habit as it is making me mentally and physically weak. My problem is I have overcome 75% of this habit still when I go to bed the thoughts bother my mind and I could not control it. Please suggest some measures to curb and stop this habit otherwise it will destroy my life. I am unable to control it at times. I have no girl friends as it is prohibited in Islam. Please help me and tell me what to do?

Ans
. It is nice to know that you are trying to get rid of your bad habits and have almost succeeded. There are some reasons for the development of such habits. If you not able to get rid of it totally then you might consult a psychologist at some point of time. Meanwhile get involved in some rigorous physical games or sports or exercise which will uplift you mentally and physically. Also involve yourself in reading a book before sleeping which involves the mind in some creative way as well as relaxes the mind to improve the quality of sleep. 

Prity

Q. My ex boyfriend and I had a relationship for 6 months. We met each other at my best friend's birthday party. He is very attractive and handsome. At first glance I got attracted to him and it was me who took the initiative and proposed to him. We used to meet regularly. Then as our relationship progressed, he started showing his true colors. He was very temperamental, and if anything went against his wish he became restless and started to throw things around. Once he hit me because I was late. That day I made up my mind that I should leave him. He was acting like a freak and I couldn’t stand the way he was treating me. He too was then agreed that we should go our separate ways. Now I am dating another boy who is in my office. He is very nice and I like him very much. It has been 2 months I am seeing this guy. I have told my parents about him and they approved of him. But at one fine day suddenly my ex boyfriend showed up in my office and created scene in front of everyone, kneeling down brought roses and again proposing me in filmy style and started apologising to me. He said he is very sorry about whatever happened between us. He is still sending me SMS and calling me. I'm very confused, I still have a soft corner in my heart for him and feeling like am I again melting. I am not able to understand what shall I do? Should I forgive him? I now already have a perfect person in my life whom I eventually wanted to get married and on the other hand my ex is following me to forgive him to bring back me in his life, the person whom I loved from the bottom of my heart. I'm in dilemma am not able to decide. Please tell me what should I do now?

Ans.
You should stick to your current boyfriend and forget the past one. He has a personality that is aggressive and violent and possessive as well. He indulges in dramatic behaviour to bring you back and once he has you with him he will go back to his old self. He is stuck with the limitations of his own personality which has plenty of unhealthy habits and traits and he is unlikely to change. So keep away and do not get carried away. You did the right thing by breaking it off earlier. That was a difficult but wise decision you made.    

Raeva

Q. I am a student of 1st year B.E. My results were not at all good in twelfth std. My parents are very disturbed with me as the college is not yet started and I am free at home. But they don’t let me go anywhere even when I read novel till midnight they make it a big issue. I can’t watch T.V, I have no friends at all. I am really very disturbed from their behaviour. The only thing they have for me is restrictions. They mock at my ideas, never de-motivate me but never motivate too. I just hate being at home. I think there is some problem with me. Am I getting any sort of mental disorder? I just want to live my life in my way. Please suggest me some way out of this problem

Ans. Long holidays are stressful. Organising your time in a fruitful way is a challenge. Discuss with your parents as to what all you could do to help in the house and/or join some short term relevant classes like computers, dancing etc. You must make friends too and go out with them. An all round development is important. You could open your new books and get familiar with them. Good time management will help you find time for everything in life. Talk to your parents about this- I am sure they will try to understand and will help you with suggestions.

Published in The Hitavada - 08 August 2010

Last Updated ( Wednesday, 11 August 2010 18:07 )

Negotiate your terms of freedom - 01 Aug 2010

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 01 August 2010 00:00

Anonymous (via email)

Q. I am a student of 11th standard college. I stay whole day at home if there is any kind of gathering in my friends’ network my parents don't allow me to go. It’s not the only thing I'm restricted to- each and every thing and even if they let me go anywhere they ask me several questions like who all are coming there? Why you want to go? Several kinds of such questions are asked. There is a friend of mine [just a friend] he's in my group wherever we friends hang out he is also there but my parents have loads of problem with him. When they come to know that he was also there with me they just go nuts. They think that something wrong is going on between us, I tried a lot to explain them but they don't listen anywhere I want to go if I say he is also coming, they don't allow me to go and if I argue then they start speaking hurting words. My dad drinks alcohol and starts shouting loses his temper and cancels my going out and my freedom. Some times I feel that I should runaway somewhere away from everyone as my parents don't trust me at all.

Ans. You need to negotiate with your parents about your needs for friendship and freedom. You could fix a number of outings per month (for example once or twice on weekends) with your friends and you could also fix the number of hours. Also inform them about the people you are going out with. I would advice you to go either with a girls group or in mixed groups but not with a boys group or a boy alone. Parents have many responsibilities and many fears for their daughters. Understand that and respect them for what they are doing for you and also learn to negotiate your point. If your parents are educated they will understand your point of view and allow you a reasonable amount of freedom.   

V.G (via email)

Q. My sister is behaving in strange manner. Whenever we go to someone's house she takes their things without asking anybody. She has got everything at home and all her demands are fulfilled. Secondly, she doesn't pay required attention towards her academics and is not a very good scorer. At home she is most of the time before mirror and seems to be not interested in doing study. Many a time I tried to create and increase her interest but that went in vain. Please suggest some way to solve this problem. Her age is 12 years.

Ans. Your sister would need psychological help. Kindly consult a practicing psychologist in your city as soon as possible. The symptoms mentioned by you indicate disturbances which would need to be assessed and diagnosed. Such problems can be treated and should be treated soon enough before they aggravate.  

XYZ (via email)

Q. I'm a management graduate from Nagpur University. I had a girl in my class whom initially I was very much fond of in terms of friendship during the 1st year of the graduation. Even she seemed interested in me for some time and we often had short chats between the college hours. Then when we entered the 2nd year she kind of avoided my company for some reason unknown to me, but still treated me as a classmate and being nice to me sometimes. I along with my classmates soon found out that she spent time with a guy also from my class. But maybe because of my introvert nature and my upbringing I somehow could not talk to her. I remained neutral yet respectful towards her. She was always found in the guy's company. The guy I know is just good in studies but is not at all worthy for her. I still don't understand why she never approached me the way she did with that guy. I'm equally intelligent and good-looking person. Somewhat I feel used for no real reason even after my graduation. I'm losing sleep because of this. I know we would probably never be friends but still why did she pretended to be friends with me when all she thought about was that other guy. This thought is something that I'm not able to get out of. Please kindly guide me. She even sends me face-book friend requests and things, shall I accept it and assume everything is normal? 

Ans. Well, it is difficult to accept rejection but everyone goes through it in their lives. People are getting dumped all the time and it would not be a good idea to compare yourself to other men at any point of your life. Girls or women have their own reasons for choosing or dumping men and there is no point in looking for them (the reasons). People work on their own whims and fancies and compulsions and many times are not aware of it themselves. Most unreasonable actions are unconsciously motivated in fact. It would be best to get over the rejection and get on with life. Look around you will find many good girls for a young educated man like you.

Published in The Hitavada - 01 August 2010

Schools are bound to help children with learning disorders - 25 July 2010

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 25 July 2010 00:00

Smita (via email)

Q. I have question about my son who is ten and half years old. He is in 5th Standard but he writes very slowly. When he was in primary school till the third standard teacher use to give plenty of time to write so he will able to complete it neatly but slowly as now he has to finish his work in limited time he is not able to complete so he is losing interest in writing and avoids to write rather resists to write and make all possible excuses for not writing.

By seeing the matter on the board he feels it is such big board and he has to write so much. If we ask him to write something he starts counting how much he has to write. For small paragraph he takes lot of time. How should I motivate him to write? I feel that if he cannot perform in school again he will loose interest and so on.

Ans. Your son has dysgraphia which is a problem with writing - a type of learning disorder. About eight to ten percent of school- going- children suffer from various types of learning disorders, one of which is a deficit in writing. Such learning deficits are recognized by almost all Indian boards of education today and there are specified concessions for such children. All schools are required to honor these government resolutions (GR) by recognizing such children in their schools and taking care of them in different ways. Firstly, it would be necessary for you to get your child psychologically assessed and diagnosed properly for learning disorders by a trained psychologist and then chalk out the remedial program for your son. You could then talk to the school authorities for in-class inputs. They are legally bound to help such children. I could help you with the psychological evaluation and remedial suggestions.  

Anonymous (via email)

Q.
My problem is that although I am married to a good family my husband is also very good but the problem is that he is having business and due to this he is not able to give much time to family. He leaves home by 9 in the morning and comes back by 10 in the night. It’s been 5 yrs of our marriage and I am having a 2 year old son. We never went out for a trip or tour---the basic thing is that he is not interested or his field don’t allow him. When I see my friends enjoying their life--spending quality time, hanging out, spending vacations abroad I feel very sad. I had talked this matter to my husband but the consequence is that we end up in a fight. He is working even on Sundays also. I am in depression- I want to live life to its fullest but my husband is not interested in it. But above all he loves me a lot. Please help me and get me the remedy.

Ans. It is very important to balance life in all the spheres of existence which includes family and play besides work. Work cannot be the beginning and end of everything. You could negotiate with your husband for a few day outings in a month. The rest of the time you could organize with your other family members and friends. If you are a social person make a few or many friends as you like and keep yourself busy. If your husband understands your need and is able to spend a few days with you that should make you happy. To spend time together is very important for a couple but to be happy is your responsibility alone. 

N. (via email)

Q. I am a 22 year old boy and going to do B.Tech this year after passing polytechnic. I am in love with a girl since last 2 years. I love her a lot but unfortunately she is my niece. Well but this is not too close relation as she is my paternal aunt's grand daughter. She is preparing for MBA-CET this year. Of course we are good friends..! I have not proposed her yet but thinking to propose her after getting admission in B.tech 2nd year. Is this kind of marriage possible in Hindu religion? Should I propose her? Please help!!

Ans. The relation does sound to be distant enough to marry her according to me. However, you may like to consult a religious scholar for the question you have in mind. You could try broaching the subject to her and mark her response. You may be lucky enough to get her attention and approval as well!

Published in The Hitavada - Emotions Column 25 July 2010

Build on the present for the future - 18 July 2010

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 18 July 2010 00:00

L.N (via email)

Q. I am studying in class tenth and I have fallen in love with one of my class mates. I have tried to talk with her but at the end I feel restlessness. I really love her and I can’t live without her. She is smart, good looking and academically ahead of me. Please help me.

Ans. I would advice you to keep talking to her and being friendly. I would not advice you to confess your feelings to her. In other words do not do anything stupid to drive her away. Just be cheerful and helpful to her and others as well. Also here is your chance to impress her with your intelligence by studying well and improving your grades. She might begin to like you soon. Best of luck.

NJ (via email)


Q. I am 32 year old and married but I have a problem. On the first night itself my wife reveled that she has been forced to sleep by a married guy and she slept with her. From 10 years she can't say this to her parents since she was afraid but she revealed on the 1st night to me. Now my point is how can I believe on her? Can it happen that after long relationship she ever been pregnant? As she said that she has not taken any kind of precaution how can I believe her? My question is she has said that she called him daily. Should I consider that it was because he pressure her to do phone call as she narrate me in the same way. I was so upset since I don’t know how to overcome with this. Please guide me with your suggestion as it can make my decision.  

Ans. This is a shocking experience for your first night of marriage. The ideal thing would have been for her to reveal all secrets before marriage but now the damage is done. You should ask her to be totally honest with you and to tell all facts whatever there is to be known. Rather than she revealing more truths gradually she should do it now. How old was she and under what circumstances the incident occurred? You should then take all the information at face value and believe her. Since she had the courage to tell you on the first night itself she must be an honest person. Do not harbor any suspicious thoughts after that and do not allow your imagination to run. Just ask her for details and then believe her and trust her. She must have gone through a bad experience herself and must be feeling guilty about it. It would help to accept the facts of the past and build up a good relationship with her in the present and work towards a happy future.

Vanita (via email)

Q. I am 27 years old. I was recently approached by a boy of same age for marriage. I was a bit busy with my professional side so I did not manage time to pay attention to the proposal. The guy waited for 3 months for my reply. Although I was considering him within my heart as everything matched perfectly well, horoscope, education, interests and family, etc. I failed to express timely. After three months we exchanged a few emails and expressed to him that I am interested and would definitely like to proceed. But he had lost interest due to my delay in reply. I realised that I had become attached to him. Now the proposals that I am getting are nowhere close to his caliber and qualities. I feel very depressed at this loss. Now he is engaged already and will be soon tying a knot in a few months. My mind is just not ready to accept this. I want to move ahead in life. I have lost all enthusiasm. All these years, I did not really have anyone in mind but was simply engaged in my profession and focused on my studies. Finally, when I fixed my mind on someone with full seriousness it failed badly. Please tell me what I should do?

Ans. Do not unnecessarily get attached to someone you hardly knew. He may have had a good bio-data but may not have suited you temperamentally. The fact is that he did not appreciate your professional involvement and did not wait for you if he had really liked you. My impression would be that he may have taken your attitude for arrogance and not serious engagement in your work. He may not be looking for a woman with high career ambitions and so he may have dropped you from his considerations. I am sure you will soon find a suitable and good guy who will like you for what you are. Remain focused on your goals and do not allow your professional goals to be harmed. Ask your parents to look for a good match for you.     

Published in The Hitavada Emotions Column - 18 July 2010

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