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Banish thoughts of suicide - 13 March 2011

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Sunday, 13 March 2011 00:00

S. J

Q. I am a student of 11th Std studying in an English medium school. I have taken science subjects but I am finding them very tough and my marks are going down. I feel nervous and have lost all confidence in myself. My parents are unhappy and worried about me and my teachers are very disappointed with me. What should I do? Please guide.

Ans. If you are stuck with a choice of subjects you are now finding tough, you can either repeat 11th with a fresh choice of subjects or else you can try to complete your 12th to the best of your capacity with the current subjects and then make a switch at the college level. You could drop science subjects and instead opt for commerce, law, computer science, or whatever suits you. It would be wiser to plan now in a better manner before you even take a decision to repeat or postpone. Aptitude test is a good way to know your abilities and your interest and plan your career. I can help you with the test and the counseling.

Anonymous

Q. My husband works in an office and I suspect that he is involved with his secretary in some way. He has begun working late nights and also drops her home if they are late at office. I am totally confused and my mind has blanked out with it. What will be my future and where will I go? What about the children?  I have fought with him many times and every time I say something he gets angry and leaves the house. To maintain peace I keep quiet but I feel depressed and angry at my life. Please help me.

Ans. Take an assessment of your life situation. If you can walk out and live independently you could do that and see how he feels about his marriage breaking up. Then he will have to think about the consequences of his actions. If you cannot walk out and live by yourself and then it’s best to keep quiet and let the situation pass. It could just be a fleeting attraction and will die its own natural death. In case it goes on you could take the help of a family member or a friend he likes. Friends can help a lot in such cases. If you cannot manage yourself please come for counseling.

Aks

Q. My boyfriend has been behaving very funny from some weeks. He is very nice, I love him and cannot live without him. He is ignoring me and does not talk nicely on phone. I keep asking him what happened but he says nothing has happened. He blames me for small things and shows he is angry with me. He does not explain anything. What should I do? I have lost interest in everything. Feel like committing suicide. Please help.

Ans. First of all, relax your mind and keep calm. Pray and start thinking positive about your own life. Banish all negative thoughts about suicide and all that rubbish. Your life is important and your own parents and family is important. This boy is secondary in your life. For some time, stop calling him on phone or otherwise and don’t take his calls as well for a week. If he continues to make calls after that too then you may receive it but do not say anything to him. Do not complain or cry or blame or shout or anything. Keep shut and say that you are busy with some work. Let him try to find out your problem and let him try hard. If he wants you he will come forward and if he does not want you, then you may have to forget him and throw him out completely from your mind.  Be brave and maintain your dignity. All the best.

Published in The Hitavada - Emotions column 13 March 2011

 

Last Updated ( Friday, 18 March 2011 12:00 )

You have the right to choose your mate - 06 March 2011

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Sunday, 06 March 2011 00:00

X.Y.Z

Q. I am doing my post graduation in a professional course. I come from a very small, strict middle class family. My parents were always very strict about who I was socialising with in other words I was not allowed to maintain friends normally like other kids my age. I was not allowed to play as a child or hang out with friends or use phone or internet as a teenager. But I had a never mind attitude for all these rules I was ok with them I realised that my parents are overly over protective of me and never rebelled against them. Instead I put all my energy into making a career for myself, a life- long dream which I am very close to realise now. I have been quite a loner and the closest person to me for all these years has been my mother I confide everything to her. But recently I met the most wonderful person we became friends and I fell in love with this guy eventually. He shares the same feelings for me and we decided to go ahead and tell our families about our wish to marry each other. But they have declined and are against it. I am in a very disturbed emotional state after these turn of events, he even offered to elope but m not ready for such a step, quite frankly it’s not a very smart thing to do and it will kill my parents. Please guide me how to cope with the situation as I do not want my studies to be disturbed. Please tell me how to handle my emotions as I am having emotional breakdowns very often now, and have tried every possible conversation to convince my parents but all in vain.

Ans. You are a very good and adjusting person and have made the most of what life offered you. You have also analysed the situation well. Instead of rebelling you used the opportunity to make a career. That was the best thing for you to do. Now that you are nearing the completion of your studies you will soon become independent in all ways. That will increase your confidence in yourself. With time if you feel that he is the best guy for you, go ahead and marry him. You could only wish that your parents will see reason one day and realize where your happiness lies and bless you in your decision. You will be lucky if they do otherwise you could make your own choice at the right time. You will be soon be a working adult and you have the right to make your choice.

P. Y , Nagpur.

Q.  I (age-23yrs.) am studying in LLB Final year (5 yrs. course) at Nagpur. I want to know which would be a suitable option for me after graduation- 1. Doing LLM ? Whether I would get a good placement in a company or law firm on the basis of LLM ? If yes ,which are top colleges in India? 2.Would I get a good job in a company or law firm on the basis of LLB?  3.Doing CS (Company Secretary) course? From where Nagpur or pune or any other city (for goods classes,15 months compulsory training and good job)? 4.Doing MBA? Which branch? Which are top MBA-institutes in India? 5. Joining judiciary through JMFC exam? 6. Starting legal practice in court? 7.Joining judiciary after 7 yrs. of practice(minimum qualification) by directly appearing for District Judges' exam? 8.Any other option you would suggest.

Ans. You have thrown up all possible options after graduation in law but what is most important is your own preference of area of work and specialization. I am sure you have some long term aims and dreams which you would like to pursue. Any choice would have to been seen and weighed against your dreams as well as your aptitude and personality qualities. You should also consider your resources and your financial status. Please come for a session of career planning and guidance for it would be difficult for me to answer all your queries justly.

Published in The Hitavada - Emotions column 06 March 2011

 

Last Updated ( Friday, 18 March 2011 11:51 )

Focus on your own happiness - 27 Feb 2011

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 27 February 2011 00:00

Deepak
Q. I am working in a BPO company since last three years. I was in love with a colleague since inception of my job here but I did not express it to her. We became good friends. After one year I went to Mumbai for training purpose for 3 months. Then I realized it’s hard for me to live without seeing her. I decided to propose her after my return. Meanwhile one of our common friend proposed her and she refused but keep promised to be friend with him. She started roaming with him in parties and gardens. But after sometime that boy told me that his intention is only to keep physical relations with her and he was trying and will be successful. I decided to let her know about his intentions. I did it and suggested her to stop spending time with him. She explained that she is doing all just as a friend. And she also made clear first time to me that she already has a boyfriend and going to marry with him. I got upset but decided to keep this feeling secret. I was expecting as the time will pass this feeling will be finished. But I was wrong. After 9 months of her marriage I told her about my love to her. She told me that it is not acceptable at all and we will be good friends forever. Also she was thankful to me for get rid of that boy. I understand all the things. Even I promised to her I will be always her friend only. She is very nice friend to me now shares almost everything to me. But problem is that I am not able to keep feelings away from her. She has no problem with me and I have a very good relationship with her husband also. But despite of many efforts she is still in my mind and heart. Please help me how to keep this feeling for her out of my mind and heart.

Ans. You have put yourself in a difficult situation by being over- generous to her and harsh to yourself. You are a good friend to her but rather unkind to your self. You should now think more about your happiness and less about her. Find a mate and get married. It could be a nicely arranged one by your parents and need not be a ‘love marriage’. I am sure you know the implications if her husband finds out one day about your feelings- it would be a disaster for all three of you. So keep away and get married. You will find happiness in your life with a devoted partner.

Abhisekh
Q. I am in standard 10 and I will be appearing for my board exams. I am having a few queries. 1) How can I keep myself relaxed during my Board Exams? I used to get tensed during my school's Test series Examination. I want to keep myself relaxed during language papers especially during English and Sanskrit (Full). 2) If I prepare any subject I get doubts in my mind whether I am fully prepared for the subject. I think that I am not fully prepared for the subject and negatively think that I would forget what I have learnt. Also I cannot remember what I have learnt. 3) My will power is very weak. I say that I will do this subject in today itself but I cannot do it. I want to increase my will power. 4) I want to develop keen positive thoughts within myself. How can I develop those thoughts? I want to join your classes for developing my personality because I am really dull and very introvert in nature. In future I want to spend my college days happily. I want to learn how to tackle people. I failed to develop these qualities within me from my childhood days. I am interested in engineering. So I want to know whether I will be capable to handle that а stream. Please try to reply as early as possible (within 2 to 3 days). I know it will not be possible for you. But please try.

Ans. What makes you nervous are your negative thoughts about the future. Instead of focusing on the future put your thoughts into an action oriented plan of studying and revising and filling  your mind with positive thoughts of doing well and achieving. Relax your mind by simple meditation and relaxation methods and think positive thoughts always. As soon as negative thoughts come, drive them away and get to positive ones.  Exercise also during the day in between studies and keep your mind focused on the present schedules and not on the future consequences. If you study well the consequences will always be good. Personality development can wait after the exams. One thing at a time is the best policy. All the best.

Published in The Hitavada - Emotions column 27 Feb 2011

Identify the causes for bad behaviour - 20 Feb 2011

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 20 February 2011 00:00

Anonymous.
Q. I am in 12th std. A guy is my best friend, he already had a break-up because of that girl. I helped him overcome that depression. Now I have fallen in love with him. I told him this but he says he does not want to fall in love as he can’t bear anymore break-ups. But he doesn’t even deny that he loves me. He says he controlled himself from falling in love with me. What does this mean? He loves me or not? What is his state of mind? I feel that he loves me but I don’t know why he is hiding from me. His best friend told me that he loves me but doesn’t want any disturbance in studies now and he is going to tell me that he loves me after board exams. When I indirectly asked the one I love are you going to tell me any matter after exams so he said yes and refused to give me any hint regarding that matter. So is what his best friend told me was true? Does he love me or not? Please help me as soon as possible please.

Ans. You seem to be getting impatient and anxious about his professing his love for you. This is actually unnecessary. His friend has already told you his feelings for you and his mind  and
even then that does not make you happy and assured. The fact that he is stating is the correct position of his life and you should appreciate that he is unwilling to rush into another affair after a break up. It is natural for him to be cautious and apprehensive about affairs and so he is restraining himself in his expressions. But he has confessed to his best friend and that is great news for you. So relax and take it easy. Let him study and you too focus on your studies. All will be well soon at the right time.

XYZ
Q. My son is 14 years old and was recently caught stealing from his classmate’s bag in school. This is the second time it has happened and the teachers are complaining. I live in Jabalpur and cannot come to Nagpur immediately. His marks in exams are also going down and almost daily his teachers scold him for reason or another. What could have happened to him. We are very worried about him as he is our only son and child. My husband feels everything will be alright with time but I cannot ignore things now. How should we treat him? What should I do? Please help.

Ans. A sudden change in behaviour indicates an obstacle in his growth which we have to identify. If all goes well children grow up normally but when a hurdle arises in the path of growth the behaviour of children change. The difficulty could lie either in his academic abilities, in the sense, he may be beginning to find some subjects hard and beyond his comprehension as his classes get  tougher, or else he has fallen in a bad group which is teaching him wrong things like stealing and cheating. We have to identify the primary reason and then understand the  secondary reasons. Whatever may be the reasons the personality does get affected eventually. Even if there are problems in studies children get diverted into doing bad behaviour. This is very common and very often seen in children. The other area could be the atmosphere at home and the relationship between the parents. Have a look at your own behaviour and see if you are too liberal with him or too strict that he should lose his balance. It would be helpful if you could plan a trip to Nagpur and bring the child along for assessment and evaluation.

Published in The Hitavada - Emotions column  for 20 Feb 2011

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