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“Heal your wounds”- 19 November 2017

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 31 December 2017 17:17

A.B

Q. I am 21 years old girl. I am studying science. Since I was a little kid my dad used to physically abuse me. He used to yell on me and beat me very badly. Whenever I think about it I still feel very scared and it messes my mind. I am not being able to calm my mind because thoughts of my past had consumed me. My father doesn’t stay with me now but still I feel like past physical abuse is following me. I cannot find my inner peace and I feel like I will be sad and lost. I wish I could do something about it and be happy like other people. Do I need counselling.

Ans. Yes of course counselling will help you heal your past wounds and recover emotionally. The existence of past memories laden with negative emotions, keep brewing inside your unconscious and subconscious mind and further generate negative emotions in the present. Even though your father has left the house his behaviour follows you and haunts you thus disturbing your mind perpetually. A wounded mind needs healing and if it doesn’t help by itself in fair amount of time, you need to consciously work on it with the help of a psychologist. If you are looking for inner peace and happiness, take a few sessions of regular counselling. You will see the difference. It is a wonderful method that works without the help of medicines.

Ketan.

Q. I am 21 years old from Nagpur. I stay in a hostel so my parents are far away in a village. From childhood I stayed away from them. In the past it was fine but now I am having problem of over thinking and mood swings. I feel lonely at night and I always keep myself surrounded by my friends in order to forget about lonely me. I hate this feeling of being alone and I imagine myself ending up alone. I don’t know what to do I want to get rid of this feeling.  I seriously need your help to be calm and happy.

Ans. It is possible that hostel life makes you feel homesick as this is the first time you are away from home. But you are there for a purpose for studies and to make a life. It is nice to know that you are employing the support of friends to keep loneliness away but that is not working enough for you. You would need to build up your inner resources, such as, confidence, positive thinking, control of negative emotions and the capacity to enjoy your solitude. At most times, you are your best company and that needs to be understood and tried out. You love your parents and your family and that is nice to know but there are sacrifices to be made in life which is a reality. You won’t get whatever you desire and hence need to grow up and grow out.

Harsh.

Q. I am 24 years old. I was dating a girl for 2 months and then I cheated on her. After cheating I felt terrible so I took a shower and I told her everything. I admitted and my mistake just after two hours because my guilt was killing me.  She started crying and said she could never forgive me. I called her more like 100 times just to make her calm. Now also I talk to her mostly every day and I try to get her back but I cannot find anyway. I love her a lot and I know I will not cheat on her again. I never thought that I will hurt her but I think lust consumed my mind and I did it. The guilt is still killing me. Guide me something to get her back.

Ans. You have acted courageously by telling her the truth. But you did not realise that she might be terribly hurt to this extent to break off. It is a good habit to be honest and truthful to your friends and the one you love specially. But you also need to explore the weakness of your mind that made you act foolishly on impulse. You might need to understand this strange part of your mind too. As far as this girl is concerned with some passage of time she might realise the value of your honest confession and forgive you. You might have to wait for her moods to change and to be ready to forgive you. She will eventually forgive you and accept you. If you are truly serious about a future with her, convey the message to her that you are waiting for her and she may take her own time to forgive and forget. That might test your patience and your love for her too!

 

“Make the right choice the second time”- 12 November 2017.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 31 December 2017 17:16

K.T

Q. I am 25 years old and a working professional. My family is asking me to get married and they said that they are fine with inter-caste love marriage and asked me to find a match. There is a guy who is interested in me and to some extent even I like him but from the behaviour of my parents and relatives I feel my family won’t be happy with him because he earns equal to me and from a different caste and looks too. So I am confused whether to go ahead and convince my family or leave him this. Also my friends don’t approve of him though their views don’t matter but it changes my thinking sometime. Please advise me.

Ans. This is a tough call to make. When you say that you like him only ‘to some extent’ it means that you partly like him and do not love him for sure. The disapproval of your friends also bothers you because their opinion matters a lot in your life. You also figure that your parents and family may not like him enough. All this stops you to make a decision and approach him in a positive manner. I suggest you go with your intuitive mind and do not proceed with this guy. You may not take any initiative in this regard and look out for better suitable proposals. You could register yourself at a matrimony site and file in your expectations and you are sure to get very good offers. Work on a few selected ones and shortlist them. It might take a year to find the suitable match but you are sure to find one. We are there to help you in any way in judging a person when you feel confused. All the best to you!

V.H

Q. I am currently studying in Nanded in a not so well known institute of engineering. First year B.Tech in which I never imagined to be in is proving to be a nightmare. People here are mostly villagers with that dirty accent of theirs, with low mentality, and the city too is under-developed. I hate myself for listing this college in my CAP rounds. Also now I realise that I don’t like engineering. Sometimes I wonder that my drawing and arts was awesome so why did I not take architecture. Now I am searching other options to get out of all this as day by day living here is making my life full of depression and guilt. Is there any other option other than continuing engineering? Can I go for CA or architecture?

Ans. Yes, it would be advisable to check out of engineering and get into the career of your choice. Wasting a year because of wrong choice is better than suffering four years and all your life. Whether architecture will be appropriate or CA is something I cannot suggest with the data I have at hand. I would need to know your aptitude pool as well as your interest areas and your personality traits. The final choice has to be a good mix of all three factors. The best way is to undergo an aptitude test and take a session of career guidance. Once a mistake has been made the first time, you should be doubly sure this time. The decision cannot be a random one. We could help you with the test and guidance whenever you decide.

A.M

Q. I am studying law and I like this field. But I have made two attempts in my final. And now I feel fear about my future. And I thought now even if I passed law exam I will not be successful. This thought constantly comes in my mind because of my failures experience. I feel depressed some time. Please clear my thoughts.

 

Ans. It is nice to know that you like the field of law but face a problem of passing the final exams and obtaining a degree. You are right that passing the exams and practising the art and science in a successful way are two different things. I wonder what makes you think that you may not make a successful lawyer even if you pass the exams, since you like the field as you say. It would be important to examine your abilities and skills that good successful lawyers need and then evaluate your own assets in that light. Passing the exams should be a simpler task relatively which would need more concentration and motivation. Once we know the obstacles that you face during exams we could help you overcome that. Many times failures can offset your confidence and depress you which in turn drops down your levels of energy and motivation.

“Stop the violence”- 5 November 2017.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 31 December 2017 17:13

V.J

Q. Since past two or three years I have grown a problem of over-thinking. A continuous cycle of unwanted thoughts remain present in my mind. I am trying to get rid of them. I have tried all possible ways to avoid this problem but not successful. It is affecting my studies too. I have lost concentration in studies. This is worrying me. My exams are near and my studies are affecting badly. I always present in an imaginary world. I am not able to come out of it. I have tried methods from the internet but they have not helped me. Please suggest me ways to overcome this over-thinking. Do I need counselling or psychotherapy? Please suggest.

Ans.  Yes you would need counselling and therapy for your problem of over-thinking. This can happen due to many reasons and it would be important to know the real cause of this problem. Two or three years is actually a very long time to suffer such a malady and the earlier you get it treated the better. No wonder your studies are affected because of this prolonged disorder of over-thinking. Try methods such as relaxation/ meditation and yoga where you learn to ‘still’ the mind of all thoughts. Try to think positive thoughts as much as you can. Sit in the company of happy and positive people of your age and do not sit alone as the thoughts may increase while alone. Indulge in sports and games and be active. If all this doesn’t please do not hesitate to seek counselling.

G.T

Q. I am 20 years old and in a relationship. He had a girlfriend before me and see us my friend he booked up even she but still she continues talking to him and she know about our relationship but ignores and continue talking to him like his girl-friend. She even abuses him but he listens and I have to suffer. I said to say her about us he is not and talks to her like she want or he is her boyfriend. I can't control my feelings and can't concentrate on studies. Please advise.

Ans. This is a tricky situation. Your boyfriend continues to chat with his ex-girlfriend and this bothers you. What is it that bothers you? Do you feel he will get back to her or that he will cheat you behind your back or are you jealous of her and cannot manage your emotions? Are you afraid of losing him and therefore suffer. I would suggest that you control your emotions, try to figure things out within yourself and allow this situation to go on for some more time. You will soon realise your limitations and your levels of tolerance and would help you take a decision to continue or quit. Till then do not suffer but look at the situation from a rational and objective perspective so that you prepare your mind for the future course of action.

M.K

Q. Something is not okay with my husband. He gets angry with small issues and tries to beat me. he abuses me too and I am now worried for my future. I have a child and have been married for five years. He problem was small earlier and now has become bigger and worse. I tried talking to his mother and father and they say that he is a good person and that I should not make him angry. They say that I should do as he says and I should keep him pleased and happy. What should I do?

Ans. You should not tolerate an abusive relationship for the violence will not stop but will escalate if you do not retaliate and scare him. You should worry about your future for you have a child to take care of and domestic violence impacts the mental health of children as well as adults. It will impact your personality as well gradually. You cannot go on pleasing the husband endlessly –he also has responsibilities which he should take on and also be responsible for his own behaviour. You cannot be blamed for his violence- this logic is nonsensical and absurd. He is responsible for his behaviour and report him to the “bharosa” cell of the police if the violence does not stop. You should seriously try ‘marriage counselling’ before you take matters to the police door.

A.K

Q.   I m 21 years old guy. I am very shy and I cannot talk to people Even when I m in the class I always feel weird and because of it I sit alone. Nobody in my class comes to talk to me. I feel that I will die alone please suggest me something I want some friends .I want to have good social skills. There is one girl in my class whom I really like and I have feelings for her, whenever I see her I become happy. I wish I could talk to her. Help me so that I can finally talk to her.

 

Ans. Shyness is a behavioural weakness which needs to be tackled soon and learning of social skills is imperative. Otherwise you will go on suffering alone without making friends and eventually get depressed. One way is to smile at whoever you meet and say ‘hello’. Just smile and let the other do the talking. You could ask a question to begin with and be a good listener. A few systematic training sessions will solve the problem. You could contact my office for that. It can be overcome actually and should be done for leading a happy life.

“Clear the clutter from your mind”- 29 October 2017.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 31 December 2017 17:11

Q. I am harsh and I am 21 years old. I am addicted to alcohol and drugs. I tried quitting it but I am not able to quit because of it I even steal money from my parents and my girl-friends purse. I am very scared that everyone will find it. Help me with it and guide me to the correct path.

Ans. I hope your family is aware of your addiction and if not please inform them at the earliest. They could then admit you to a hospital or a de-addiction centre for a week or ten days. Along with the detoxification process done by doctors you would need counselling and psychotherapy for your mind and behaviour. Do not be scared of the treatment process, actually it is a simple and effective method of treatment. you may not succeed if you tried to give it all by yourself without professional help. If you could have given it up by now you would have done it. So go ahead without wasting much time.

Wasay.

Q. I am 22 years old CA student. I am very depressed because i am having issues with studies. I can’t concentrate on my studies. I am stressed. Whenever I open book I zone out and I can’t understand single word. I keep on thinking about failures. My exams are coming soon and I want to make my parents proud. Please help me with it.

Ans. Please be sure that you have the right aptitude for doing CA because it is a professional degree course and needs a high aptitude in that field. If it is a wrong choice, it would be best to give it up and choose the best career option for you. An aptitude test would help in assessment of your ability and a discussion would help in guiding you in the right direction. If there are other distractions then you should focus on removing them and clearing your mind of all the clutter and get going with studies with full concentration.

Anonymous

Q. I am 21years old and in a relationship with a guy since two years. Ever since we came into this relationship things started getting complicated. He has a girl in his friend circle who likes him a lot and still does. She also confessed it to him long ago to which he refused saying he has no such feelings for her. But chose to maintain friendship. There is another girl in the same circle with whom he was in a temporary relationship. He soon realized he did not have feelings for her and broke up. But he is friends with her too. They have started bothering me because of their changed behaviour towards me. I am the one who has to face all this in college every day. When I asked him to simply put an end to this drama he plainly refused saying he cannot break his friendship with anyone because of me. I am mentally disturbed and unstable and choose to break up and get out of all this. But he is not letting that happen too. When I shared this with him and asked him to chose between us he refused asking me to adjust. I have been adjusting long but it is too much to take for me. Please advice.

 

Ans. This is a strange situation truly. He seems to be an overly extroverted person who states bluntly that ‘he cannot break his friendship with anyone because of you’. This statement by itself is a hurting one and indicates the importance of your friendship in his mind. His friends are obviously very important to him and he will continue with this type of behaviour all his life. You might be also important to him but he will not sacrifice anything for you is clear. So now the decision lies with you whether you can tolerate this type of position in his life or not. If you cannot tolerate this low value ascribed to you and your relationship with him, please re-think your status and your future with him. If you think you can grant him this freedom with his friends, old and new friends, whether they are girls or boys, then you could continue with him. Many time people with highly extroverted traits and high degree of need for independence have poor family values and can be troublesome for a girl who is looking for a future with a stable family and stable relationship. First think deeply about it and then you may convey it to him that it does not suit your personality to continue with a relationship in such conditions. You could see his reaction then. If he is serious about you, he will try to change his ways or he will choose to leave you.

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