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“Involve the family for support”- 26 March 2017

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Wednesday, 12 April 2017 17:51

V.P

Q. I have a child who is 15 years of age. Since many days I am watching that his class teacher is making complaints about him. He is not seating on his seat but on the last bench. When he is asked a question about the subject, he is not attentive to it. His marks sheets are poor in marks and his teachers say that he cannot be promoted to next class and she cannot commit for this class as well. What should I do? He is well behaved at home with me and with me. What happens to him in class and school? Why are there complaints from school? What could be the cause and what should I do?

Ans. Find out if he is using the mobile of a class mate and watching nonsense on the net. Find out if he losing sleep and eating poorly lately. That he is losing his concentration in class and studies is clear from the regular complaints of the teacher. He must be brooding over something he is watching and hence remains engrossed. He is not misbehaving at home and remains normal is a good thing but he is hiding many things from you is sure. Sitting in the back bench and not on his seat is a sign that needs to be explored. Ask the teacher to observe his change in friendships and their new found activity. If nothing seems plausible enough, bring him for a session of counselling. We will make a diagnosis of the malady.

Anonymous.

Q. I am married for three years now. We had a ‘love marriage’ and were happy together. He never took alcohol before marriage and even after marriage. Now it seems since six months he is going with his friends after his work and coming home drunk in the late evening. After coming home he abuses me and doubts me that I am having an affair with another person and has hit me too a few times. The whole atmosphere is disturbed and my marriage seems to be cracking up. What should I do to change his behaviour, to stop his drinks and that he should trust me. Please help me as fast as possible. What changes should I make in myself so that the peace returns and I am happy like earlier.

Ans. This is certainly not your fault and you should not take this on yourself alone. Since you had a ‘love marriage’ you must be embarrassed to tell your parents about this newly developed situation after three years. But this a mistake you will be committing if you suffer alone and try to handle it all by yourself. Get the family involved and inform them about the new habit of drinking alcohol and his violent behaviour along with his un-founded suspicion about you. This is not a simple behaviour change but the onset of a serious illness that needs attention. He may need treatment not only for his alcoholism but for his suspiciousness. The support of your parents will be important for you to sort your marital situation. The situation can be improved.

O.P

Q. I have a boy friend from one year. He stays in Mumbai and I stay in Nagpur. We were in a live-in relationship for a year and now he has shifted to Mumbai. Now a days we do video chats online and I am feeling that there is a change in his behaviour. I feel someone is living with him in his apartment. I am depressed and feel like ending my life. I am very possessive about him and I have a doubt that he is having an affair. He does not agree and promises me that there is no one in his life and that ‘I am un-necessarily doubting him for small things’. Should I go to Mumbai to see him or how should explain it to my mind that all is well. I can see small signs like a sound behind him, or a shadow, or his small behaviour changes which make me doubt him. I am very uncomfortable about this. I cannot live without him and will end my life if he leaves me. Please help me what to do. Should I break up with him or should I trust him and continue.

Ans. Your intuition may be right and he may be flirting with another girl. It may be a temporary attraction or may be serious. On the other hand he may be innocent and your hunches may be wrong and un-founded. This is a tricky situation to handle when a doubt creeps in and trust is lost. You could watch the relationship for some more time, give it the benefit of doubt and then see if you want to maintain it or call it off. Being possessive does not help. Let him be free to decide his course of life. If he decides against staying with him, it is your destiny. Accept it gracefully and boldly. May be you deserve a better person than this one.

 

“Discussion versus domination”- 19 March 2017.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 19 March 2017 17:39

N.P

Q. I have recently completed my 12th board exams with PCM. I am very much interested in the subject human psychology. I want a doctorate degree in this subject. But is it possible as I have not taken biology? Please let me know the actual procedure in detail and also the best colleges in Nagpur.

Ans. You do not need biology for doing psychology. It’s a subject of humanities and you have go through doing graduation course with psychology honours or as one of the subjects. A doctorate degree in psychology leads essentially to a teaching profession. If you want to practise as a consulting psychologist then you need to do a different degree programme called an M.Phil in Clinical psychology which is done after an M.A in psychology. There are choices in the field of psychology which we can discuss face to face. A session will do good to know the details of options available.

R.S

Q. I'm a Mechanical final year student. I was forced by parents to do it. I am depressed very much. I had interest in politics & social work. I am also working for a NGO. I want to work with UNO. Can I become a diplomat there? So please guide me what I should do to get there.

Ans. Becoming a social worker and becoming a diplomat are two different things. You can register as a volunteer in the many projects run by the UNO in different fields. Kindly look up the website of UNO for details and procedures. It would be advisable to complete your degree and then search for options.

M.S

Q. I am preparing for banking exams and it’s been 2 years of preparation and the results of ibps po will be around the corner, this time I do expect results, but there is always a negative thought coming in my mind, that what next? what if I do not get through, what will I do then, will I end up doing nothing out of this. Please help me out this situation there is family pressure also.

Ans. I am sure you will succeed this time in the bank exams. You should have a back up plan for doing something else if you do not succeed. That could be taking up a job wherever it is available and whatever is available. The work experience always helps in cracking exams. You should keep trying in your efforts for the exams but also sensible to take up what the market offers. It is better to be under-employed rather than being un-employed.

P.C

Q. I am 19.5 years old. I am forced by my parents to go for medical. I want to go for mass media since I have found that it is where my interest lies but my father threatened to cut me off financially if I do so. He even asked me to leave the house. My mother who earlier supported me, also followed my father as she doesn't want to listen to his criticism. They believe there is no scope in the field and I'd have to end up working for private companies whereas they want me to have a stable government job. I already took a gap year because of this. They refuse to let me follow my dreams and send me to the best colleges in my field. They say if I go in the field I want I'll have to do it in the city itself, which doesn't have top colleges. I feel sad all the time and feel like dying at times.

Ans. This is unfortunate indeed. They want you to do a medical course and take up a government job. This is actually what most parents would dream of for their children. But unfortunately all children are different in their aptitude and talents and interest areas and hence have other dreams. You are right in wanting to do media studies and pursue your dreams. I hope you are clear and sure of your choice. It might be a good idea to come for a discussion in career guidance. We might want to know the mind of your parents and their insistence for medicine and govt. jobs. There might be some logic in their rigid approach. It is too much domination to say that they will stop your education totally and not allow you to leave the city for studies. They threaten you with the stopping of funds. Please bring them once at least.

 

‘Treat the mental malady”- 12 March 2017.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 19 March 2017 17:37

P.S

Q. My husband is alcoholic. My husband is not understanding me. He beats me daily. I am feeling depressed, I don’t know what to do? He abuses me with bad words, he suspects me too that I am having an affair with other men. He does not allow me to go out anywhere as he checks my movements. I cannot take any decision on my own. He tried to kill me once in very angry mood. What to do? Please advice.

Ans. Your husband is an alcoholic that is like a disease and it appears that it has perhaps progressed to a mental illness as well. He suspects you of having affairs for nothing and beats you up too. He is certainly diseased in the mind too and needs treatment for de-addiction and mental health. Alcoholism is not easy to give up at home and needs hospitalisation for a fortnight. The rehabilitation takes anything from a month to three months in a rehab centre. He would need some medicines for his suspicious nature and also for his aggression that goes out of control. Take him to a psychiatrist for de-addiction treatment and also bring him for counselling if you want to keep him at home and treat him rather than a rehabilitation centre. It is unlikely that he will recover on his own without medical help. That can happen only when he is highly motivated to come clean and healthy.

O.N

Q. I have a child who had been diagnosed as psychotic. He is 18 years old and he does not do anything by self. He needs attendance all day. He can throw things whenever he is angry. All family members are disturbed. How to help him and train him and how should we keep our mind cool and balanced.

Ans. Yes, sadly children with psychotic symptoms may need the help of a full-time attendant at home. It does disturb the entire well being of the family and the equilibrium. The best way is to continue the medicines that are prescribed by the psychiatrist and also to take him for regular counselling sessions. He can taught many life skills such as self help, helping others around in the house, doing simple tasks at home and being well behaved socially when guests arrive. He needs training in restraining his aggression and stopping violent behaviour. Meanwhile, the family members should do and say nothing to upset him or obstruct him and be polite to him. Sympathy and empathy will help soften his aggression.

T.R

Q. We had a love marriage. He was very nice and good before marriage and after marriage he has changed. It is three years we married. He misbehaves with me and misunderstands me. He does not adjust with me, he does not come close to me and he gets attracted other ladies. I have tried to explain him many times as he says he does not want to stay with me and he wants me to change my nature. My needs are not being met. He keeps telling me that I am not attractive enough. So we fight a lot. I cannot stay with him any longer. Please advice.

Ans. It seems the marriage is heading for a divorce. If your husband misbehaves, misunderstands, does not come close to you and says clearly that he does not want to stay with you, where is the point in continuing the alliance? You may be hoping that he will change like he was earlier before marriage as you said you had a ‘love marriage’. He may change which is always possible but when is the big question? If he does not then you will unnecessarily ruin the best years of your age and youthful life. It may be advisable to quit it and find peace within yourself. But do discuss this at length with a counsellor before you take the final step. There may be many minor and major episodes that need to be looked into for assessing his nature.

A.M

Q. I am 19 years old. I am having too much of anger and emotional irritation. It’s just that am unable to be happy. I don’t know what I want I my life. My behaviour has become too arrogant. I just start crying anytime. I can't bear that someone close to me is judging me wrong. It hurts a lot. I starts thinking of committing suicide or I just hurt myself. I hate myself. I start shouting. I get hyper so quickly that I start behaving like a mad and be so angry that I can’t control myself.
Ans. This is a condition which needs to be taken very seriously by you and your parents. You might need a bit of counselling to help you ease out your mind. Something has upset your peace and makes you angry and irritated. That you are thinking of suicide is very unfortunate indeed and tells of your levels of disturbance. You say that you start crying and shout a lot too. All this could be a sign of depression that is creeping in. Please do not hesitate to come for a consultation. Ask your parents to bring you or if they do not agree you could come by yourself. We can certainly help you sort it out and bring back happiness to your mind. You are only 19 years old. Do not delay.

 

“Choose your career wisely”- 5 March 2017.

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Written by Rita Aggarwal
Sunday, 19 March 2017 17:36

P.G

Q. I'm in class 10 and very poor in maths. Actually I don't want to go in that field. My father is magistrate by profession and wanted me to pursue law. I am not at all good in maths and science too. I am confused where should I go?  I have interest in language as I am good at it. I am confused because as maths and science I don't want to pursue that so there I think only law is left. If I tell you about me. Then I am very positive. No depression. Nothing. So please help me to know that in which field should I be going? Please help me because I will be facing board exam soon... Please help me.

Ans. I am glad to know that you are a positive and happy person. It is nice to know that you are clear about your lack of interest and aptitude in Maths and Physics and hence do not want to pursue a career in that. Language is a great option and law is even a great choice. Law requires a high logical reasoning, good grasp of languages, the ability to read up thousands of case studies and law books, and a speaking and presentation ability. Of course more skills besides these basic ones are also required. Think about this process seriously and discuss it at length before you finalise it. A session of career guidance will be of very useful in making the best choice.

S. 7860

Q. I am in class 12 pcmb and I am good in academics but I am interested in arts. My sketching is good and want to become a fashion designer but I could not register for NIFT and NID exam. My father wants me to give UPSC exam after doing BBA and my friends are opting for CA and want me to do the same. I am also going to appear for JEE exam. I belong to a middle class family so financial conditions are not very good. Thinking about all these I am not able to concentrate in my board exams as my parents are expecting good results from me. Please help me madam.

Ans. Again, I may give the same advice as above that a session of career guidance will be of utmost importance. It is nice to know that you have an aptitude in science and maths but you have a keen interest in arts. We need to assess whether you have an aptitude in arts as well or not. It seems that you are multi-talented and can have many career options before you. This makes it all the more reason that you get an aptitude test done from us and then decide which path to choose for a career. Please focus on your board exams which are important irrespective of whatever line you choose. Convince your parents for career guidance and we can help you out with the right choice according to your talents, interest and personality traits.

R.T

Q. I am in relationship since two years. My boyfriend keeps says we will marry and I want it too. He has changed after five months and says he cannot marry me now. I feel very bad and cheated. I am very possessive about him since two years and do not know why he is changing his decision. I see him day and night and see him in everything. The boy is very practical and I am very emotional. I make many calls to him daily. What should I do about it? I have become emotionally disturbed. Please help me madam.

Ans. If your boyfriend has changed his opinion about marrying you, so be it. Marriage cannot be forced on anyone. The marriage will be a happy one only if both the partners are willing to spend the rest of their life together. If one person has changed his mind then he has a right to do so. He may be a fickle minded person with many diverse interests and may have found someone more interesting or anything else under the sun may have happened. We cannot read a person’s mind without knowing him. Everyone has a right to change their mind and anything else they want to change. You must take care of your own mind. Stay calm. Pray. Play some sport. Meet new friends. Engage in some creative hobby. Do something you always wanted to do but had no time to do it. Love yourself. Leave him to be free. Learn to live alone with self.

 

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